Turn the car around.

I wanted change. That’s the choice I made.

I want this style of clothing, it’s a choice. I want to change my previous style of clothing, that’s an another choice. I want to be a good daughter, it’s a choice. I want to start having a diet, that is a choice.

It’s so hard to understand why people have to blame others for their unfortunate mistakes. It’s so hard to find some logical reasons why people keep on complaining with the things that are happening to them. I know some are out of your control why things happen to you, but when it already has happened, CONTROL IT.

By way of saying, “It is hard to move on from her that’s why I can’t leave her.” Makes your problem thrice as hard to make it possible to be solved. Why not say this? “It’s hard to move on but I shall leave her because I’m already being unfair to myself.”  That’s the first choice that you have to do. Then start making ways to make things simpler for you to move on. Make things better as you move on—not stupid and cruel stuffs.

Most of us became too attached with drama, thinking heartaches are the worst pain in the world. But making yourself miserable from those kind of pains is just so pathetic, that is the worst. Being in misery is just inflicting yourself more in pain. Misery, dramas and all that are not in our DNAs. Happiness is a choice, a state of mind. Again, it’s always a choice.

Now, if you don’t want to make a choice as of this moment, then when are you planning to? When there’s nothing left on you?

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Buttercream frosted cupcakes ♥

Who would have thought I could make some of these?

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I used to be a complete slacker when it comes to chores. Yes, I admit it. But lately, I’ve been watching shows on lifestyle channel, reading recipes and all. How wonderful it must be to be a hands-on wife and mom SOMEDAY! So then, I found my interest being in the kitchen. And I found my love in baking. =) Weeee!

Yun lang.

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For the love of manuscripts!

My last good read was Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol. When I was still a student, before the NLE review fever hit me, I buy lots of books as soon as I got money. I still buy even if I haven’t finished the current book the I’m reading that time. But then, when I found myself finishing reading all those nursing books, I lacked interest on being a bookworm. I feel really bad so I wanna go back to reading. Result: Bought two books this week (The record breaker is purchasing 6 books in 1 week).

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I’ve been trying to practice The Law of Attraction because of Rhonda Byrne’s previous book and film, “The Secret”. Since then, I became a fan of her craft that’s why i bought her new book, “The Power”.

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My first book I’ve ever finished reading was Harry Potter and that was when I was in grade school. Harry Potter is in the children’s section of every bookstore and yet most adults are going crazy for it. That makes me realized that we all want to be kids again and enjoy the infinity of imagination. Now this book, which I found from the children’s section too, is all about a kid’s adventure in “The Mysterious Benedict Society”. It was written by Trenton Lee Stewart and I hope he wouldn’t disappoint me. So far, it makes me realize that I should have read this last year as I read it.

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Quality vs. Quantity

Shoes. Shoes Shoes. I used to not give a damn care about you.

I USED to be a hater for suck-ups in expensive things. Who cares about brands? Who cares about Chanel and LV bags? (Actually, most of us do) Who cares about the kind of make-up they put on their faces? But most importantly, who cares these kind of rants?

However, some things change. The kind of change that gives you a slap in the face, telling you that you are such a lame fickle-minded and inconsiderate bitch. I just had that.

Now let me talk first with minimalism. This year, I’ve been practicing this kind of habit of simplifying things—decluttering things. I decluttered my closet, my desk, my bag, my phone, my blog and even my email account. I put away all the things that I don’t need anymore. Those are the things that don’t have enough space for my SPACE. What I like about what I did is that I made others happy because I gave away some of my clothes and bags to them. To name them, they are Ate Gina and Tere who help us in our household chores. I’ve been also practicing Tipidism (Sorry, I’m too lazy to google the right term for it). To define it, it is like freezing your wallet to prevent yourself consume unimportant luxuries. Until then, I became plain and simple. I’m not done with that yet. I’ve also refrained from going to parties and drinking alcohol. It’s my very own fasting. From attending three to four night-outs/parties in a week, it went down to same number of frequency but in a MONTH. Oh, I still don’t drink alcohol yet. Fasting.

As Elizabeth Gilbert mentioned in her famous book, Eat. Pray. Love., “Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a roadway to transformation.” True story, indeed. But no one can predict what kind of transformation it will be. No formula can also even apply to everyone for the kind of change that we would like to have. Because it will always be in our hands whether it will be a good or bad transformation. Experiences, decisions, heart and mind—these are the ingredients. It’s just the recipe that will tell us whether it will be a better change or the worse kind of change.

So why the hell am I saying this? Ok, blah blah blah. It was hell inside my head last year that I didn’t even consider what will be the outcomes of my ruins. But without ruins, I am not like this. Without ruins, I’m still a monster. Now, I am proud to say that half of me practice minimalism and the other half is just the girl who still lets anything go with the flow. Spontaneous, to simplify.

So what do shoes have to do with these? It doesn’t mean that I practice the art of minimalism means I’ll be like a person who lacks color in their lives, inside and out. I decided that I can still buy things I want aside from what I do really need. It’s just about the quality. I’ve written a post before in my old non-existent blog about my Mom’s say in shoes. Mom told me about Quality vs. Quantity. It is better to have one pair of school shoes with a good quality instead of having 20 disposable ones. As long as you have good taste, got a style of carrying whatever that it is that you are wearing… there will be no problem/harm in giving yourself an expensive pair of shoes. And we are girls. Shoes doesn’t even make us feel fat.

Okay, that may sound paradoxical with minimalism. That’s why I’m part minimalist and a part angel with a rusty halo over her head, right?

And when I received my ordered Suelas Shoes—two pairs of Suelas Shoes, I thought of this: There are times when we lose our esteem and we need some things/people to make us feel beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with that. If those things makes you feel beautiful, I think it’s okay. As long as we do not live our lives for those non-breathing objects, fine. However, I still believe it is much BETTER (Not saying that I believe solely on this one) to feel beautiful that is coming from ourselves. That we do not have to have others/things to make us feel beautiful. So there, I opened my mind to this: We have our own reasons, own backgrounds why we are acting the way we act now. So to everyone that I’ve judged before, I’m sorry. I forgot about what Plato said,Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

So in my case, I feel pretty with my new shoes even though I already know that I’m already one. Don’t worry,I still am a plain and simple kid. Not the kind who wears jolina and animal clothes (Oh no, you’re doing it again!).

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Visit http://www.suelasonline.com/

P.S. I am still dreaming of being a full-time minimalist. And this post is too lengthy that even I will get lazy to read it. I also think there might be sooo many typos here because I always overlook things.

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Sappy.

I just sat there and watched the view from the window car.

I planned everything in the midst of underness. I was completely broke but I had money in my red wallet. I was partly jobless but I had money in my small blue purse. Thinking the we celebrated our anniversary without the mere presence of succulent foods, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, Jools, and told him we should go and swim in gluttony. So we did went out after his make-up duty in a hospital.

As usual, whenever someone visits our house and reach our front gate, all our dogs will bark like hell that makes our neighbors sick. I know they want to complain but they can’t. Ask my father. Anyway, when our dogs started barking I went outside and saw him. I was all prepped and trimmed. I stashed the baby cologne that Tita Yolly gave me as a reward for passing the board exams. Again, I was all prepped and trimmed. But when I saw him… He did not look happy.

My boyfriend’s traditional conservative issues makes him dislike my top. My hormones were all hyped and lost my mood. So I told him I won’t go if I have to change what I wear. Ohhh, the feminine side of me still works…

So there. As soon as we reached the free shuttle to marquee, I just sat there and watched the view from the window car.

No, I’m not mad. It’s a part of our normal routine to argue and to be the paradoxical couple sometimes. We had fun anyway when we arrived at the mall. The point of this comes in the next sentence.

Sometimes, it is better not to talk when you know there’s no point in arguing.

P.S. Foodgasm for the day was  Frozen Yogurt with some New York Cheesecake and some nuts on top.

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Short notice

*Crickets*

We entangle ourselves with this four-letter word ever since we engaged into hormones. Once puberty sets in, hormones play their role that makes our emotions more uptight. Most of the time, we get carried away. Most of the time, we fail.

The catch is, it is hard to distinguish whether it is just the hormones, being a curious and explorative teenager or we just do fall in love. In my case, they all happened.

Don’t worry. I don’t want to tell you my story because I might just bore you to death. I just want to include this on my list.

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Four to six weeks.

Anhedonia.

In psychology and psychiatry, anhedonia (< Greek ἀν- an-, “without” + ἡδονή hēdonē, “pleasure”) is an inability to experience pleasurable emotions from normally pleasurable life events such as eating, exercise, social interaction or sexual activities.

No, I don’t have schizophrenia. It just so happened that I have one of those negative symptoms which can be normally found in normal individuals. So, yes. I may still be normal.

Uhm. Yes. I lack pleasurable emotions from normally pleasurable life events. I don’t know, I guess something must be really wrong with me. -_- I even don’t know what to write here, instead I just searched for a decent meaning of “Anhedonia” that wouldn’t appear as a medical jargon. Something that could be understood in layman’s term. I am also using intellectualization as my defense mechanism nowadays, lack of emotions in most of my conversations with other people.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m in crisis. I’m done with studying and now, I’m looking for a work. Maybe, I’m in a Developmental Crisis. And how long does it occur in every person? 4-6 weeks, as far as I can remember.

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Hypoxia.

It was past three in the morning when my brain decided to wake me up. My head was still in pain, maybe from studying my brain itself. I gather myself and made a short prayer before I stood up. My dog ran towards me then started licking my foot as I got out from my bed. I just ignored him because I really wanted to pee and so, I went to the bathroom and started doing my morning rituals.

It was a typical morning. Enjoying the bliss from just a simple coffee and pancakes. Unstressing myself just by looking at my dog licking himself. Staying at the garden and appreciating the works of my mother’s green hands.

I breathe deeply, hoping that my headache will be gone since I think it’s in dire need of a lot of oxygen.

So it was just a typical morning but no luxury can ever replace it.

As I sip my coffee, I listen to Goo Goo Dolls (as usual) in my iPod. Neighbors jog around and greet me a good morning as they pass by our house.

Bliss.

Then my head sucked all the pain in the world again. I opened my eyes and it took me a few seconds that my life started to become a dream. I looked at the time and it’s 8:30 am, sooo late for my review class. Isn’t it great?

Haaay. I miss life.

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Mindful kindness.

Do every act of your life as if it were your last.” ~Marcus Aurelius

Some people think that I am strong, being able to resist tears and anger. But of course they are wrong. Or else, what am I blogging about? Right? I am not that resistant to temptations. With all the things I have been through, I can prove to you that I am right. With all the people that I have hurt, you’ll know that I am selfish. I can’t tell you right now that I have changed because I am still trying. I am still weak. I am still, you know.

I am not perfect. I am, in fact, a sinner. But I regret that I have done those things. Those things that made me let myself far away from God. I am in no position to tell everyone that I am very close to God right now but I humble myself before him. Ready to take another step for an another change.

But whatever it is that had happened, all I can say is this. It is painful when someone shows to you that you do not deserve God bec. of all the things you’ve done.

So I must take one step at a time. Be alone, let my self be in a solitary life for a while. And learn to love again, and let kindness be my religion. (Dalai Lama: “My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.”

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